對我來說，有一件事情讓我深深後悔，時隔四十多年，至今無法忘卻。每當接觸到當年那段歷史，這件事就從我的記憶中浮現，難以釋懷。
事情發生在1980年的柬泰邊境「考依蘭難民營」( Khao I Dang Refugees Camp)裡。而我是17萬難民中的一名柬埔寨華裔難民……
筆者在柬埔寨出生。當年之所以會流落在難民營，一切都和我成長的國家脫不了關係。為了讓讀者對這件事有一個透徹的理解，我有必要對發生這種事情的時代背景做一個簡單的介紹。
柬埔寨古稱「扶南」、「真臘」、「高棉」。是一個土地肥沃、風調雨順、很少天災的魚米之鄉。憑藉著這些得天獨厚的天然條件，歷史上，這片土地曾經孕育了強大的「高棉帝國」。她在經歷了六百多年「吳哥王朝」的輝煌年代後，於十四世紀開始逐步走向衰落。衰敗過程中又被兩個新崛起的鄰國一起欺負了幾百年。在西方列強四處殖民的時代背景下，飽受欺凌的「高棉王國」於1867年成為法國的保護國。雖然淪為殖民地，但也逃脫了被鄰國解體的命運。這段時間，相鄰的越南和寮國(老撾)也相繼淪成為法國的保護國。1887年10月，法國把三國併入「法屬印度支那聯邦」。西邊的泰國則靠著其國力和外交手腕，成為唯一沒有被殖民過的東南亞國家。
第二次世界大戰結束後，法國企圖恢復其在印度支那的殖民統治，但隨著「第一次印支戰爭」失敗而無法實現；過後被迫在1954年的「日內瓦會議」接受「法屬印度支那聯邦」解體。法國退出印度支那，柬埔寨和寮國獲得獨立。會議協約還規定，越南暫時分裂為南、北兩個國家，安排在1956年舉行全民公投，最後統一為一個國家。
由於意識形態和地緣政治的衝突，越南沒有按「日內瓦協約」舉行公投，反而在1955爆發戰爭。由美國和其盟友支持的「越南共和國」(南越)，對抗由蘇聯和某大國支持的「越南民主共和國」(北越)以及其領導的「越南南方民族解放陣線」(又稱解陣或越共)，在越南南方進行了將近二十年的戰爭。雙方各投入上百萬兵力，死傷無數。除此之外，美國也對北越地區以及寮國、柬埔寨邊境的「胡志明小道」(北越到南越的軍事物資的供應路徑)進行了轟炸。戰爭如火如荼，生靈塗炭。
相較之下，獨立後的柬埔寨卻歌舞昇平，社會治安良好，人民安居樂業。雖然不是富有國家，但還可以享受著溫飽無慮的小康局面。當時的柬埔寨人民自豪地把自己的國家稱為「和平之島」。
這樣的日子只能維持到1970年3月18日。趁著掌權人物西哈努克親王出國期間，時任政府首相的朗諾將軍成功發動政變。不久之後改國號為「高棉共和國」。朗諾政府指責西哈努克表面奉行中立，實質上幫助北越軍隊和南方游擊隊，不但以中立國的外表掩護越共在邊境地區建立軍事庇護所，還暗地裡為他們的軍事物資供應提供通道。
過後的形勢發展完全超出了朗諾將軍的評估，政變後的柬埔寨局勢急轉直下。越南南、北交戰各方的軍隊很快以各種理由進入柬埔寨，在柬埔寨的國土上混戰。裝備落後、軍力薄弱的柬埔寨軍隊完全無法控制局面。短短幾個月，戰火燒遍半壁江山。打了十多年的越南戰爭，正式擴大到柬埔寨。
被越戰拖得疲憊不堪的美國決定逐步離開這個戰場。通過談判，越南交戰四方於1973年1月27日在法國簽署了「巴黎和平協議」。希望結束戰爭，走向和平。美國從此開始從越南撤軍，同時也逐步削減對南越和柬埔寨這兩個盟友的軍事和經濟援助。
失去美國支持的兩個盟友終於在1975年先後垮台。大勢已去，南越的阮文紹總統和柬埔寨的朗諾總統先後匆匆逃離西貢和金邊。1975年4月30日，親美的越南共和國軍隊在西貢市豎起白旗。北越和及其支持的南方解放陣線取得完全勝利。
駐守金邊的朗諾政府軍在孤立無援、群龍無首的情況下也放下武器，比西貢還早十多天豎起白旗。紅色高棉在沒有抵抗的情況下佔領金邊。
1975年4月17日金邊淪陷。
紅色高棉是柬共的別稱，也有華人把他們叫為赤柬、黑衣或者烏衫。在1970年政變之前，這個組織幾乎沒有什麼軍事力量。當越戰擴大到柬埔寨以後，他們在盟友的幫助下迅速建立武裝力量，在戰爭中發展壯大。1973年以後，其軍事實力已經對朗諾政府軍形成優勢，最後取得勝利。
進入金邊的紅色高棉部隊毫不猶豫的處決了所有投降的前政府將領、軍官、政府部長和其他高級官員。其它被識別的公務員、士兵全部被逮捕，過後分批屠殺。金邊城頓時成為一個腥風血雨的屠殺場！
黑衣士兵入城後，開始零星、隨機地槍殺了一些普通市民，把他們曝屍街頭，以此作為樣本恐嚇民眾。他們以美國要來轟炸為理由，要求金邊市兩百多萬市民，包括醫院裡躺在病床上的病人，立刻離開城市。他們到醫院亂扔手榴彈，街頭街尾隨意槍殺幾個人。驚慌失措的老百姓不敢有任何反抗，匆忙弄了一個小包袱就跟著茫茫人海往城外走。同一時間，其他大小城市的市民，也都一樣被驅趕，沒有目的的去農村落戶。人群一路上餐風宿露，吃喝拉撒睡都在同一個地方。大量集中的人口和嚴重污染的水源造成傳染病盛行。一路上因為疾病、飢餓致死的人，被親人草草埋葬，路邊曠野都是亂墳……
柬埔寨從此進入一個沒有城市、沒有學校、沒有醫院、沒有貨幣、沒有商業活動、暗無天日的原始社會。全國人民都被劃地為牢地圈住在大小村落。人們不許在家煮食，只能到所謂公共食堂吃飯。而公共食堂不外就是兩餐米粒少得可憐的稀粥。一個魚米之鄉，在赤柬政權的反覆折騰下，全國大部分地區稻米歉收。有些地區甚至在收割後把全部稻米運走，讓人民到森林裡挖野薯充飢。除了赤柬幹部以外，普通人民都衣衫襤褸、面黃肌瘦。加上長時間、超負荷的強制性體力勞動，餓死、病死不計其數。
赤柬領導人波爾布特信奉極左意識形態理論，他要在柬埔寨建立世界上第一個只有無產階級的完美共產主義社會；淨化人口是達到這個目的的必要手段。波爾布特同時又是一個極端民族主義者，他認為高棉民族是一個擁有偉大文明史的優秀民族。他堅信每一個用革命思想武裝起來的高棉人，都完全可以滅掉三十個宿敵越南人。在這種樂觀算法之下，他認為柬埔寨只需要淨化後，鬥志昂揚的兩百萬人；然後再以這些高度優秀的人群為基礎，發展壯大。最後成為世界上最偉大的模範國家。
在上述意識形態理論指導下，赤柬在執政後開始有計劃地大量屠殺他們眼中的敗類。前政府官員、軍人、公務員只要被發現，必死無疑。赤柬的正式國號叫「民主柬埔寨」，「民主柬埔寨」外交部有一個核心任務，就是到外國，特別是歐洲騙回僑民。四千多名柬僑，被他們以回國參加工作為幌子，用包機接到金邊。抵達後，除了他們所需要的少數技術人員以外，全部被送去監獄刑求拷打，殘酷折磨最後處死。
赤柬政權把從城市趕出來的人民視為心腹大患，他們認為這些人只要有機會就會起來顛覆革命政權。唯有把這些人徹底肉身消滅，國家才會長治久安。基於這種理念，赤柬政權制定計劃，一批又一批的屠殺那些從城市中被趕出來的「新人民」。
在波爾布特的意識形態理論裡，還有一個原住民至上的核心思維。他認為高棉族以及其他山地少數民族是這片土地的原住民，是這個國家真正的主人。但是長期以來，這些國家主人卻生活在社會的最底層，被外來者剝削和欺壓。所以他特別痛恨越裔、華裔和信奉伊斯蘭教的占族人，認為這些人是柬埔寨的心腹大患。在制定屠殺計劃時，上述幾個族裔總是名單的最前面。
據有關文獻記載，早在元朝年間就有發現有唐人到「真臘」(柬埔寨的古稱)生活(見周達觀《真臘風土記》)。後來的明朝、清朝、民國，也陸陸續續來了不少人。在那個飄洋過海的艱苦年代，到海外謀生人群中男人比例遠遠超過女人。由於唐人和高棉人都信奉佛教，所以歷代從中國到柬埔寨的單身男人和高棉女人的通婚相當普遍。加上過去華文教育沒有得到普及，相當一部分土生華裔很快被同化，成為高棉族的一部分。
中國抗日戰爭前後，由於戰火紛飛，天災不斷，廣東、福建地區大量難民湧入東南亞。法國殖民統治下的柬埔寨幾年間就湧入了三十多萬唐人。柬埔寨長期沒有人口普查。但是根據六十年代某些報刊發表的權威機構估計，這些在移民局有移民紀錄的「正唐」加上土生華人，總人口約八十萬人，佔柬埔寨當時人口約百分之十左右。這些華人大部分在大小城市經商，總體上比本土民族相對富裕。隨著人口的急遽增長，本土華文教育也得到空前的提高。受過華文教育的土生華人，在文化上與本地人更進一步地拉開了距離。一個在商業上佔主導地位，不同文化的族裔，理所當然的被赤柬政權視為眼中釘， 是必須打倒消滅的資產階級。
紅色高棉同時認為，鄰國越南夢想建立一個以越南為核心的「印度支那聯邦」。越南亡柬之心不死。新仇舊恨，越南人是柬埔寨永遠的最危險的敵人。
1977年開始，赤柬政權和越南在兩國邊境摩擦日益加劇。瘋狂的紅色高棉軍隊主動侵入越南，在邊境地區對三百多個越南村莊燒殺搶掠、強姦婦女；四千多越南無辜邊民慘死在自己的家園。
與此同時，赤柬認為越南人和柬埔寨內奸正在搞裡應外合，都是危險的敵人。那段時間，邊境局勢吃緊，砲聲隆隆，赤柬正規軍緊張地開往前線殺越南人。鄉村幹部在後方農村繁忙地開會，宣讀文件中的上級指示，討論著村里面哪一批人要先殺……
紅色高棉在這個時候已經殺紅了眼！他們把殺人行動推向前所未有的高潮！以前殺人的人現在也被懷疑是越南間諜，他們也開始被抓、被殺。黑壓壓、成千上萬隻野鼠像潮水一樣，浩浩蕩蕩、慢悠悠地從一個地方走向一個地方，因為它們到處有著吃不完的腐屍……
紅色恐怖籠罩著整個柬埔寨，每個人都知道，大屠殺在進行中……
1978年年底，越南軍隊以二十萬大軍全線進攻柬埔寨。不到三個星期，赤柬政權垮台，波爾布特等人敗走森林。
越南軍隊在這個關鍵時刻阻止了大屠殺的延續！
瘋狂的紅色高棉在敗走過程中仍不忘屠殺人民，因為他們堅信這些民眾就是為越南人提供情報的內奸，是帶路黨。
驚魂未定的柬埔寨華人還沒有搞清楚自己該怎麼辦的時候，混亂的柬埔寨出現排華浪潮──因為越南在其北部地區爆發了和北方大國的戰爭。許多人在走投無路的情況下只能被迫向泰國方向逃亡。
柬埔寨難民潮爆發。「美國之音」和英國「BBC電台」在報導難民新聞時說，柬埔寨人因為飢荒而逃到泰國。聯合國難民專員署也基於這些信息把柬埔寨難民定性為經濟難民。在這些不實信息的誤導下，西方各國政府對接收柬埔寨難民並不積極。
像螞蟻一樣的柬埔寨難民不斷湧向泰國，許多人在逃亡路上被搶劫、強姦、屠殺。有一批人被泰國當局以違反泰國移民條例為由強行遣返。幾萬人被送到柬泰邊境某處，邊境線上泰國一方在坡上，柬埔寨一方在坡下。難民們被推下山，後面山上是黑洞洞的槍口，前面是原始森林、崇山峻嶺、毒蛇猛獸，還有蔓延數公里的地雷陣，死傷無數……這就是慘絕人寰的「扁擔山事件」。
在最後被推下山的人群中，有人提出一個絕地求生的建議：「反正是死路一條，與其往前走死在深山老林而沒人知道，不如走回頭死在邊境山腳下的曠野，用我們的屍體向全世界發出我們的呼聲」！他的建議立刻得到大家的認同。就這樣三千多人手牽手原路返回，在山腳下柬埔寨一側的空地上坐下，他們用肉身挑戰居高臨下的泰國邊防軍的槍口和命令。面對黑壓壓的人群，泰國軍隊雖然嚴陣以待，但是沒有開槍。似乎暗示只要他們不越界進入泰國，就不採取任何行動。
一架不知什麼機構租用的小型民用飛機在這群人的上空來回盤旋，似乎想知道這裡發生了什麼事情……
這三千多人的事情驚動了曼谷的西方外交界。一時間「聯合國難民專員署」、「國際紅十字會」和十多個西方國家都介入和泰國政府的商談，請求泰國允許這些人暫時進入泰國難民營。並答應在三個星期內把他們全部接走。
這批幸運兒三個星期內都離開了泰國，到不同的西方國家定居。這個事件也促使國際社會重新認真考慮柬埔寨難民的問題。
「聯合國難民專員署」過後和泰國政府達成協議，在泰國境內修建若干個由難民署管理的柬埔寨難民營。其中規模最大的一個就是建立在考依蘭山腳下的「考依蘭難民營」。該營由難民署規劃、管理，各項設施簡單但是齊全。營內生活雖然清苦，但是井井有條。
1979年11月9日，美國總統夫人羅莎琳‧卡特女士( Mrs Rosalynn Carter)訪問了柬泰邊境的「沙繳難民營」( Sa Kaew Refugees Camp)。她對她所看到的人間悲劇感到無比震驚！她對各個國際救援組織表示，她將把所見所聞匯報給卡特總統。她還說，美國將盡自己所能幫助柬埔寨難民。她的聲音影響了美國政府後來對柬埔寨難民的收容政策，也間接影響了其他西方國家的決策者的想法。從此，柬埔寨難民獲得出國的機會大大增加。
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| 考依蘭難民營第十七區（華人區）的中文學校。照片中的人全是學校裡的義務老師以及學校相關人員。中文學校幾個字是黃志雲的墨寶。 |
我和家人在1979年12月底歷盡千辛萬苦到達「考依蘭難民營」，這是一個新建的大型難民營。抵達時營內還未住滿人，但是也已經接近十萬人。由於種種原因，營內華人申請獨立開闢華人區，隨後獲准。約兩萬多人分住兩個行政區，每個行政區一萬多人。
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| 考依蘭難民營第十七區（兩個華人區華人區之一）的辦事處。右五白衣人是區長。左五灰衣人是副區長。其他人皆為小區區長。 |
華人區建立以後，有了自己的辦事處。難民署委任行政區區長，區長再委任一班難友協助他工作。工作內容包括戶口登記，公文佈告，住房、食物、飲用水的分配，兒童教育、公共衛生、防火救災、維持治安，還有來往信件的轉發等等。
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| 筆者到達難民營不久，和大家一起參與搭建華人區的工作。領導一個小組提前完成任務，獲營內華聯會主席黃志雲先生頒發獎品。照片背景的人全是華人。 |
在朋友的邀約下，我也參與了區辦事處的行政工作，義務性質。由於工作需要，每天都到辦事處走動；除了份內工作，順便打探一下有關出國的消息。那個時候，營內已經陸陸續續有些幸運兒出國了。大家對未來充滿希望，但又天天提心吊膽。沒有人知道，出國和遣返，哪一個會先來到你的面前。區辦事處是一個打開門為難友提供服務的地方，難友們可以隨意到那裡走動，打探消息、收發信件、辦理戶口登記等等。
有一天，我照舊和往常一樣在區辦事處走動；一位年紀比我小三幾歲的年輕婦女走到我面前，說她有事想和我談一談。在辦事處的一個角落，我們找到一處竹條桌子和凳子，面對面坐下。
「先生，我想拜託你幫我寫點東西」，她開門見山的說。還沒等我答覆，她又說：「我在這裡走動了一段時間，一直在尋找一個可以幫助我的人；今天壯著膽子向你開口。」「什麼事這麼認真？如果我能辦到，當然會幫妳。」我輕鬆地回答。
「我有一段非常悲慘的經歷，希望有人幫我記錄下來」，她說。我開始臉色凝重的聆聽她繼續講下去。「我被他們幾個人抓著，看著我丈夫被另外幾個人綁在樹幹上，活活開膛殺死，我的小孩被他們抓著雙腳，活活在樹幹上打死。」她好像怕我沒興趣聽完她的故事，三言兩語就把全部主題說清楚了。說到她孩子時，她已經泣不成聲。我不覺一愣，強忍著內心一陣陣的顫抖，陷入了不由自主的沉思之中……
時間凝固了片刻之後，我告訴她：「我寫作能力有限，實在愛莫能助」。我此時心中清楚，自己的精神狀態實際上也好不到哪裡去，簡單幾個字還可以寫，整篇記錄肯定不行。另一個原因是，這位女士的經歷雖然非常震撼，但是這個營裡面又不知有多少人和她有類似經歷。又不知有多少人已慘遭滅門，連逃到難民營的機會都沒有。也就是說，這樣悲慘的故事在這裡已經是普通故事了。此時的我，已經徹底麻木了！
帶著一臉茫然的表情，對面的年輕婦女再次開口，緩緩的說到：「我知道我自己現在已經接近瘋狂，完全無法寫任何東西；只希望在我神經錯亂之前，能夠把這些經歷告訴他人，幫助我紀錄下來。我也不知道會不會被遣送回那個人間地獄，更不知道我什麼時候會死亡。」她的眼睛含著淚水，一臉無神的望著我，希望我能改變主意。片刻之後，我還是苦笑的搖了搖頭。
她徹底失望了！只見她強忍著眼中的淚水，站了起來慢慢的往辦事處門外走去。我六神無主，不由自主的再次陷入沉思之中，一個人坐在那裡發呆……
我霍然站起，小走幾步準備把那位女士叫回來。站在辦事處門口望著小廣場的那邊，女士的身影已經在人群中消失，我加快幾步，再也找不到她的人……
我告訴自己，只要在這個辦事處守株待兔，肯定會再見到她。我錯了！直到我轉營出國，再也沒有見到她。
時隔四十多年，她的長相我早已經模糊不清，只記得雖然經歷了悲慘遭遇，仍然掩蓋不了她天生的秀氣。如果不是那個瘋狂的野蠻政權，她肯定是金邊某個中產階級家中的一員。我一直在想，她是否已經找到能替她寫經歷的人？她是否已經安全出國？她現在是否在某個西方國家過著幸福生活？兒孫滿堂？
是的，天下沒有後悔藥。我當年沒有幫助一個需要幫助的人，至今無法忘卻。每每想起她那含著眼淚，失望無助的眼神，心中總有一種難以言語的內疚。
願上蒼能保護她，一生平安！
(2024年4月17日)
Unforgettable Regret
By Weng Kaishun (April 17, 2024)
In this life, everyone carries regrets, large and small. Some regrets fade from memory within minutes or days. Others linger for a lifetime—months, years, or even longer...
For me, there is one regret that has haunted me for over forty years. Whenever I encounter the history of that era, this memory resurfaces, impossible to relinquish.
The incident took place in 1980 at the Khao I Dang Refugee Camp on the Cambodian-Thai border. I was one of the 170,000 refugees there, a Cambodian of Chinese descent.
Historical Background
I was born in Cambodia. The reason I ended up adrift in a refugee camp is inextricably linked to the country of my birth. To provide a thorough understanding, I must briefly introduce the historical background.
Cambodia, known in ancient times as Funan, Chenla, and Khmer, was once a land of abundance—fertile soil, favorable weather, and few natural disasters. These gifts gave rise to the powerful Khmer Empire. After the 600-year glory of the Angkor Dynasty, the empire began to decline in the 14th century, suffering centuries of bullying by two rising neighbors. In 1867, amidst the era of Western colonization, the beleaguered Kingdom of Cambodia became a French protectorate. Though a colony, it escaped being dismantled by its neighbors. Eventually, Vietnam and Laos also became French protectorates, and in 1887, France merged the three into French Indochina. To the west, Thailand remained the only Southeast Asian nation never colonized, thanks to its national strength and diplomacy.
After WWII, France's attempt to restore colonial rule failed with its defeat in the First Indochina War. Following the 1954 Geneva Conference, French Indochina was dismantled. Cambodia and Laos gained independence, while Vietnam was temporarily split into North and South, with a referendum for unification planned for 1956.
Due to ideological and geopolitical conflicts, the referendum never happened. Instead, war broke out in 1955. The Republic of Vietnam (South), backed by the U.S., fought the Democratic Republic of Vietnam (North) and the Viet Cong, backed by the Soviet Union and China. For nearly twenty years, millions were mobilized and countless lives lost. The U.S. also bombed the "Ho Chi Minh Trail" along the borders of Laos and Cambodia.
In contrast, post-independence Cambodia remained peaceful and prosperous—an "Island of Peace," as its citizens proudly called it.
The Turn of Fate
That peace ended on March 18, 1970. While Prince Sihanouk was abroad, General Lon Nol staged a coup and established the Khmer Republic. Lon Nol accused Sihanouk of aiding the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong by providing border sanctuaries and supply routes under the guise of neutrality.
The situation spiraled out of Lon Nol’s control. Combatants from both sides of the Vietnam War entered Cambodia, turning it into a chaotic battlefield. The weak Cambodian army was overwhelmed. Within months, the fires of the Vietnam War officially engulfed the nation.
Exhausted, the U.S. began to withdraw. The 1973 Paris Peace Accords were signed to end the war, but the U.S. also cut military and economic aid to its allies. Without support, the governments in Saigon and Phnom Penh collapsed in 1975. On April 17, 1975, Phnom Penh fell to the Khmer Rouge.
The Reign of Terror
The Khmer Rouge, or "Red Khmer," was a communist organization that grew rapidly during the war. Upon entering Phnom Penh, they immediately executed former government officials and military officers. Civil servants and soldiers were arrested and systematically slaughtered. The city became a blood-soaked killing field.
Soldiers in black uniforms began random killings to terrorize the populace. Under the pretext of imminent U.S. bombings, they forced over two million citizens—including the bedridden—to evacuate to the countryside. People fled in panic, carrying only small bundles. Disease and starvation became rampant along the roads; the dead were buried in shallow graves in the wilderness.
Cambodia descended into a primitive, dark society with no cities, schools, hospitals, or currency. The population was confined to villages and forced to eat in communal canteens where "meals" were often just watery porridge. In this former "land of fish and rice," rice harvests were confiscated, leaving people to dig for wild tubers. Except for cadres, everyone was gaunt and tattered. Forced labor claimed countless lives.
The Khmer Rouge leader, Pol Pot, followed an ultra-leftist ideology, aiming to create the world’s first "perfect" proletarian society. "Purifying" the population was his means. He was also an extreme nationalist, believing a purified Khmer race could defeat their Vietnamese rivals. Based on this "optimistic" calculation, he believed the nation only needed two million "high-quality" survivors to become the world’s greatest model state.
Under this ideology, the Khmer Rouge carried out planned massacres. They even lured back over 4,000 overseas Cambodians from Europe under the guise of rebuilding the nation, only to torture and execute most of them. They viewed former city dwellers ("New People") as enemies to be physically eliminated. Pol Pot also harbored a deep hatred for ethnic Vietnamese, Chinese, and Muslim Chams, placing them at the top of the execution lists.
The Chinese in Cambodia
Records of Chinese people in Cambodia date back to the Yuan Dynasty. Over centuries, many single Chinese men married Khmer women, and many were assimilated. However, during the Sino-Japanese War, a massive influx of refugees from Guangdong and Fujian arrived. By the 1960s, it was estimated that the Chinese population (including those of mixed descent) reached about 800,000, or 10% of the population. Mostly urban merchants, they were relatively wealthy. This distinct, commercially dominant group was viewed by the Khmer Rouge as a "bourgeoisie" that had to be eradicated.
The Fall and the Flight
By 1977, border friction between the Khmer Rouge and Vietnam intensified. The Khmer Rouge actively raided Vietnamese villages, committing atrocities. Internally, paranoia grew. Anyone suspected of being a Vietnamese spy was killed—including their own executioners. The stench of rotting corpses was everywhere.
In late 1978, Vietnam launched a full-scale invasion with 200,000 troops. Within three weeks, the Khmer Rouge regime collapsed. The Vietnamese army stopped the genocide, though the retreating Khmer Rouge continued to slaughter civilians they deemed "traitors."
Amidst the chaos, an anti-Chinese wave emerged in Cambodia due to the border war between Vietnam and China. With no other choice, many fled toward Thailand.
The world initially viewed these people as "economic refugees" fleeing famine, and Western nations were reluctant to accept them. Many refugees were robbed, raped, or killed on the way. In the horrific "Preah Vihear (Dangrek Mountains) Incident," Thai authorities forcibly pushed tens of thousands of refugees back over a cliff into minefields and dense jungle.
In a desperate act of survival, a group of 3,000 refugees decided to walk back toward the Thai border guards’ guns rather than die unknown in the jungle. They sat on the ground, using their bodies to challenge the orders. The Thai army did not fire. This stand drew international attention. Eventually, the UN and the Red Cross intervened, leading to the creation of managed camps, including the largest: Khao I Dang.
The Encounter at Khao I Dang
In late 1979, my family and I reached Khao I Dang. It was a massive camp of nearly 100,000 people. Eventually, a Chinese section was established, housing about 20,000 people.
I volunteered for the administrative office, helping with registration and distribution. Everyone lived in hope of resettlement abroad but in constant fear of deportation.
One day, a young woman, a few years younger than I, approached me. We sat at a bamboo table in a corner.
"Sir, I want to ask you to write something for me," she said. "I’ve been looking for someone who can help. Today, I’ve found the courage to ask."
"What is so serious? If I can help, I will," I replied casually.
"I have had a very tragic experience, and I hope someone can record it," she said. Before I could respond, she blurted out the horror: "I was held down by several men and forced to watch as they tied my husband to a tree and disemboweled him alive. Then they grabbed my child by the feet and beat him to death against the tree."
She broke into uncontrollable sobs. I was stunned, my heart trembling with a shock I tried to suppress.
After a long silence, I told her: "My writing skills are limited; I’m afraid I cannot help." At the time, my own mental state was fragile. More so, I had become numb. In that camp, such tragedies were everywhere. Countless others had been wiped out entirely, never even making it to a camp. To my desensitized heart, her story—as horrific as it was—had become "ordinary."
With a vacant expression, she spoke again: "I know I am on the verge of madness. I just want to tell someone before I lose my mind, to have it recorded. I don’t know if I’ll be sent back to that living hell, or when I will die."
She looked at me with tearful, hollow eyes, hoping I would change my mind. I only shook my head with a bitter smile.
She was utterly defeated. Choking back tears, she stood up and walked slowly out of the office. I sat there in a daze, paralyzed by my own thoughts.
Suddenly, I snapped out of it and hurried to the door to call her back. But she had already vanished into the crowd. I told myself I would see her again if I waited at the office. I was wrong. I never saw her again until the day I left for resettlement.
Forty years have passed. Her face has blurred in my memory, though I remember she possessed a natural grace that tragedy could not hide. In a different world, she would have been part of a comfortable middle-class family in Phnom Penh. I often wonder: Did she ever find someone to write her story? Did she make it out safely? Is she living a happy life now in a Western country, surrounded by children and grandchildren?
There is no medicine for regret. I failed to help someone in desperate need, and I have never been able to forget it. Whenever I remember those tearful, helpless eyes, I feel an indescribable guilt.
May Heaven protect her and grant her peace.
